Today I wanted to blog about simple happenings of my life, as well as my toughts that overwhelm me randomly and clutter my mind throughout the day.
So here it goes.
1. I haven't quit my job. I don't really know why, and I try to convince myself that i'm ok there. That being said, I really don't want to talk much about my job, because as of late, I feel that thats all I do. complain complain complain. Is this how life is after post grad? are you suppose to automatically dread waking up to your alarm to face an 8 hour shift that totally seems meaningless to yourself & the world. sigh.
2. I applied for the world race. I DID IT. finally. I originally signed up to go in september, but decided that January would be more ideal. (well more like, I didn't want to be training while one of my closest 언니s from college was getting married, oh & my birthday) hah. but, it all works out. Gives me more time to think about how i'm going to pay off my loans. Anyways, while I was filling out my application, I was pretty stoked. Thinking about all the places I would go to & the ministries I would be able to take part in. BUT right when I submitted my app, my heart sort of literally stopped, and I was really confused. As if I was running away from having to grow up, & the responsibility I had to face in finding a secure job... blahblahblah. I still feel a little confused, but i'm not sure if its the devil kind of getting a foothold, or if this is something I should REALLY consider talking about. I mean, one year is a pretty darn long time. MEH, I have an interview this wednesday, so hopefully God can make my decision more clear after whatever I am faced with during my one hour talk with a complete stranger.
3. I haven't lost any weight. It's been one month with a personal trainer. I'm pretty sure i'm at the height of my weight. Depressing, I know. Anyways, i've been on a no carb diet since last month! I've been weight training three times a week & have been doing cardio atleast once or twice on my own throughout the week. My sister is doing the same thing, and has already lost 7 pounds. BUT ME, a petty single diget. ONE POUND. I was so pissed, I indulged in some of my favoite foods this weekend. But of course, I have to get back on track. I honeslty don't regret eating this weekend, but how do people live like this? ITS NOT FAIR T_T. I think its been really effecting me emotionally and physically. I've actually been running into a lot of people from the past. & for them to see me with my acne prone face and huge hips/tighs makes me want to shrink into a ball and hide in my room. The struggle is real, and daunting. To be honest, I grew up pretty spoiled emotionally when it came to looks. Up until highschool (this may sound very conceited and stupid) I was always poured with compliments. When I was younger, I wanted to be a freaking model for goodness sake. My grandma and other family memebers would always tell me that I could run for Miss Korea. HAH. hilarious now right, lol i'm short, stubby, and far to lax to even want to be Miss Korea. LOL. In middle school & highschool, I always had a boy crushing on me, and parents would always tell me how they wanted me as their daughter-in-law. You could imagine how big my ego was... I was confident, and pretty much nanchalant when it came to physical look. haha & then BAM, I entered my college years. I started gaining weight... too quickly. Not just a couple pounds but double digit numbers. I stressed so much about my weight & on top of that I started to break out like crazy. Pretty much a horror story. I really don't like to think much of it, but its quite scary how my mind started being consumed by this. My confidence level probably went down 90%, which effected my mood and lifestyle... basically this fight to become skinny is so dang hard. & I hate that no matter how much I desire to find my security in Christ & my confidence & identity in Him, I seem to fail far to often when it comes to my body. This sounds so cliche, so girly, and so dumb to me when I write it out... but why does the world have to keep telling me that i'm not (to what I translate in my mind), beautiful/pretty/skinny enough. Why do I think that if I lost only 20 more pounds, omg I could look good in any clothes! maybe someone can finally like me. (hah) my life would be much easier when it comes to meeting people and people actually caring! Seriously though, pretty girls have it SO EASY. I know how I need to react to this, and I know I need to be more in prayer... but sometimes, it just so hard. Writing this post really made everything even more real. I need to face this, with convindence that He can help me overcome.
Until next time,
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Things I will write about in my next post, hopefully.
4. I got my phone stolen...again.
5. Inspiration
6. Travel Plan
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